The Bed Linen Conspiracy

I am of the school of thought that suggests that our bed linens are out to get us. Before you judge, hear this:

There is no returning a set of sheets once you’ve taken them out of the zippy pouch in which they come. There may be nothing inherently wrong with the sheets; it may have been a purchaser error. You may have bought the wrong color, or you may have mistook a full set for a queen set. Whether this is the case or not is completely irrelevant. Once you’ve sprung the sheets from their confinement in the zippy pouch, they are yours. Congratulations.

If you’ve made this unfortunate mistake, my condolences and better luck next time.

With the sheets liberated it becomes our job to figure out what to do with them. The obvious answer is to make the bed, but if it seems to easy to be true, it probably is. We begin the arduous task of attempting to make the bed only to find that the fitted sheet is just the tiniest bit too small. We can adequately cover three of the four corners of the bed, but that last one is a doozy.

In frustration, we decide to put the set away for another day; there really wasn’t anything wrong with the old sheets. So we begin the process of folding the sheets. Herein lies another problem.

Not only is the fitted sheet too small, but there is no good way to fold a fitted sheet. It’s virtually impossible to fold the fitted sheet into the same compact square shape we can so easily fold the flat sheet into. Another source of frustration.

Based on the fact that the bed has remained essentially unchanged in shape for the past bajillion years, we can only assume that we will continue to suffer from these linen-induced afflictions. We have no other choice but to bite our tongues, deal with it, and just shove the whole mess under the bed (or in the closet, or in the chest of drawers…) until we are ready to brave the attempt again. I suppose that’s what people have been doing for years now. It’s one of those things that we have to deal with, and for most of us it never occurred to us to like it or hate it. So I am saying what I know a lot of you are thinking (whether you will admit it or not): I think my bed linens, specifically in the form of all fitted sheets, have a personal vendetta against me.

If you are one of those chosen few who can fold a fitted sheet and who knows how to make that same sheet fit the entire bed without riding up its corner, good for you. I don’t want to hear from you. : )


One Comment on “The Bed Linen Conspiracy”

  1. bekah says:

    this entire topic gives me anxiety issues. return problems, not sheets themselves. xoxo.

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